Did you ever say something you regretted? I mean regretted
immediately. Before the sound waves actually reached the other
person's ear, you were wishing you hadn't said that.
What you said was
true, and you believed it. But you didn't phrase it just right.
This regret can be heightened in marriage, because you know the
thing you said is "out there" and can be thrown back at you again
and again for the rest of your life.
I said something
like that once. Awhile back my wife and I were talking. I don't
remember what it was about, and I doubt she does either, when I
uttered the following words, which will live forever in my marriage:
"Try to focus
on not whining."
As a general rule, I encourage you to avoid the
phrase "Try to focus on not whining." It's really not a good
thing for most relationships.
But I have to say, most of us could use a gentle
prodding reminder once in a while. Luckily for me, my wife has a
sense of humor. My regrettable phrase has worked its way into
our lives.
For example, I might start discussing yard work
and then go off on a tangent about transplanting roses and how
this bush died, and you'd think one out of four bushes is a bit
too high for a failure rate, and blah blah blah.
At this point, my wife says "Try to focus . . .."
She doesn't even have to finish the sentence.
We need to be reminded to Focus on Not
Whining. This is different from remembering to stop whining,
or to avoid whining. Those things are good, but they're actually
different from focusing on not whining.
When you focus on not whining, it means you
actively place your attention on not whining. We
all have complaints -- and legitimate complaints -- but
sometimes we go beyond the legitimate statement of a problem into a
serious, non-stop, can't say a good thing, bring-it-all-out
whining session.
Whining is different from complaining. Whining
puts the attention on the whiner, not on the issue at hand.
Whining doesn't really care about a "fix" to the
problem. Whiners just care that you know how horrible this is
for them.
Complaining, if it's done correctly, can put
attention on an issue and solve a problem.
Whining simply allows the whiners to wallow in
pity and take the stand that life is unfair to them. They don't
play a role in their problems: life happens to them.
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"The path of your life isn't forced
upon you; your 'fate' is what you get to shape every day by what
you choose to do or not do.
I think what happens to so many people is that they become
overwhelmed with those choices; they're so afraid of making a
wrong choice about the direction of their life that they
make no choice . . .
and
then they sit there paralyzed, trying to convince themselves
that their unhappiness isn't their fault.
It's fate's fault."
--
Philip Van Munching
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When you focus on
not whining, you say "Stuff happens. Let's move on. What's next?"
When you focus on not whining, you place emphasis on productive,
useful complaints that are articulated in such a way that they can
bring solutions.
You've certainly heard the question:
Are you part
of the solution,
or part of
the problem?
Whiners are part of
the problem!
Emotional steam.
Sometimes our "whining" is really just blowing off steam. We get
worked up about one little thing after another. First you stub your
toe in the morning. Then the newspaper's wet. The dog spills his
water bowl, your kid left the garage door open all night, you burn
your toast, and maybe there's a little coffee spill.
You're human and it
gets pretty frustrating sometimes.
Sometimes, whining
is just meaningless expression of emotional steam. Stuff happens.
Make sure, when you do this kind of whining, that it's short-lived,
focused on the moment, and that you put it behind you quickly.
Apologize to
everyone within earshot.
And then move on.
Try to focus on not
whining.
Then commit to
having a good day for the rest of the day.
As with all habits
of success, not whining takes practice. Be patient with yourself.
You can start over immediately after you slide backward. No one's
keeping score, but everyone will notice as you become more
successful!
