One reason psychologists and sociologists will always
have plenty of work is that human beings are very complicated things.
We sometimes hear the admonition "Express Yourself." We
ask children to paint and write and engage in other activities in order
to help them express themselves. And we hope, in expressing themselves,
the children will become themselves.
As we learn and grow, we try different things to see what
we like. In some sense, we "try on" different personalities.
The teen years are the most obvious example of this. In a
perfect world, we would find the one single personality we like the best
and keep it. Over time the personality we choose becomes who we "really"
are. I'm going to refer to this as your default personality.
But we never lose our free will, so we can always change
who we are at any time. We just have to be aware that such changes can
be very difficult.
When we find ourselves grown up and responsible, we also
find ourselves operating in a variety of different settings. And with
this we develop different personalities. For example, you might have the
following personalities at some time or another:
Within some of these you might have additional personality
sub-types. See the article
We Are All Many People on the Relax Focus Succeed® web site.
So far so good.
This theory of personality roles is certainly nothing new or
original. Literature from the earliest times until today addresses
this subject. In fact, the literary technique of "putting on a mask"
to play a different role is a mainstay of literature in all
societies. Perhaps the most widely know examples are the
play-within-a-play story lines of Shakespeare.
Personalities and Stress
Going through your
day, week, and life balancing different personalities can be very
stressful.
The greatest stress comes from situations in which the
role you play is very different from the default personality you
develop for yourself. Your default personality is the most
comfortable one for you. So, the roles you play that are closest to
your default personality are also the most comfortable for you.
In this diagram I
show the default personality as "You" and the roles you play in
relation to it. Some roles are closer, some further away.
For example, we
often hear about the actor or politician who is really shy: Such a
person puts on an outgoing personality when needed, but has a
default personality that is much more shy.
You can see that
this could be quite stressful.
There are three
methods for addressing the problem of "space" between your default
personality and the roles you play.
 |
First, you can
move the roles you play closer to your default personality.
|
|
Second, you can
move your default personality closer to your roles. |
|
Third, you can
develop ways to accept the roles you play and find ways to accept
the "space." This is the least satisfying route as the natural
tension will always exist and you will always be working to reduce
the stress. |
Perhaps the lowest
stress combination exists when the "you" at work and the "you" at
home and all the other you's are all very similar. Thus you don't
have the stress of putting on a mask and putting on a show.
But most of us have
a great deal invested in our personalities. Bringing those
personalities together and making them consistent takes a great deal
of work. Hard work, really, because it means we have to make changes
to our default personality as well as all the other roles we play.
|
You Are Who You Say You Are.
So, Who Do You Say You Are? |
This is where
personal goal-setting and quiet time come in. Personal
goal-setting starts with the basic question of who you want to be.
When you look down the road five or ten years, how would you like to
see yourself? Don't focus on how to get there! That comes later.
Start by simply creating a vision of what you want to be.
Quiet time
is the most powerful tool you have for reaching your goals. The
benefits are two-fold. First, by sitting and giving yourself time to
think about what you want, you begin to draw pictures of your future
self. You make an outline and begin filling in the details. Second,
the process of quietly thinking about where you want to go will
result in moving in that direction. Even if you never create an
elaborate step-by-step plan, having a vision of your future self
will move you in that direction.
You will be a
different person five years from now. Time will march on. Change
will come whether you like it or not. The economy will ebb and flow.
People will change, work will change, social settings will change.
It is up to you to
choose: Will you simply float along for the next five years, with
your default personality defined as a series of reactions to what's
going on around you? Or will you choose who you will become and use
the change all around you to move in that direction?
